Heady Accomplishments

Inside Sophia's world record ...

I am proud to report that Sophia Hafner, as of roughly two weeks ago, blew wide open the Prone Poop Spray world record, establishing the new mark at a healthy 6 feet, 4 inches - with a maximum vertical component of two feet high.

Sophia, in her first full day home from the hospital, clearly had her mind (and other regions) firmly focused on her impending moment of greatness. The requisite window of opportunity presented itself in a diaper change performed by her fortunate father, with Leigh’s Aunt Linda distracting her at the head.

Sophia, however, was not to be distracted.

I, while wiping her buttocks, noticed a sudden sizzling sound coming from what my mother euphemistically calls Sophia's “vent.” My immediate reflex was to lean in closer to get a closer look at the phenomenon, but common sense quickly intervened in moving my head sharply backwards.

Moments later, my daughter made her mark in the history books – and all over the wall, a Velveteen Rabbit wall hanging (“Mr. Skin Horse, does being pooped on make me Real?”), several cards from my extended family, our baby monitor, her side table, a boom box, her crib, the mattress, and the floor.

During my hour-long cleaning session (including the scouring of woefully underprotected electronics equipment), I began trying to unlock the physics of her achievement – just like those forensic detectives who decode car wrecks by analyzing the, um, skid marks.

Unfortunately, we are missing a few key pieces of data. Any calculation of, well, muzzle velocity requires both distance and travel time. We have distance – a measurement longer than I am tall, I’m proud to say – but unfortunately we do not have an accurate time measurement from departure from Sophia to arrival on the floor. Even if we had that muzzle velocity, any measurement of force in Newtons would require mass, a measurement surely possible but impractical.

I, like most new parents, had been familiar with the likelihood of baby boys drawing new and exciting patterns on the ceiling (and their parents) with their urine during diaper changes. I had never contemplated the possibility of anything even broadly similar from my daughter.

Well, she's not just capable - she's excellent. That's my girl.


Linda with Sophia, during a quieter moment.